What a Day

Sometimes it is like walking on eggshells around my house. Goose can go from really good to really bad in just a second. It is times like this that I feel so helpless and lost. I don't know how to help him or what to do for him.

I picked him up from Daycare and he told me a little boy kicked him in the back and was calling him names, then we get in the car (after I examine his back since teacher was gone) and all is fine. We get home and unload the car and I start supper. Goose decides he wants cereal so I gave him just a little to tide him over until the food was ready. I told him I was cooking and he could have just a little cereal. He then ask what I was cooking and I told him that I had him some macaroni and he said "Woooohooooo I love macaroni" so I'm thinking I have done a good thing. I tell him it is time to eat to come to the table and he said "No I'm not hungry!" Now there was only about 5 min in between the Wooooohoooooo and the No!!! I took his DS and told him he had to at least come to the table for a few minutes and that just fueled the fire!!! Now he decides he is gonna cry (real tears) and this is a kid that never cries! I wish I knew what happen in that 5 min that just turned him upside down. How do you go from one extreme to another that quick? I then could not touch him, talk to him or anything he just wanted to be left alone. When he decided to stop crying he informed me that he does not Love me!! I said " Yes you do you are just mad at Nana right now!" Now about 30 min has passed and he is still pissed and if I speak to him he burst out into tears. I just left him alone and went about cleaning the kitchen. Then he decided he was hungry and he ate and we talked about the food. Now it is time for homework and we fly right through it with no problem. He looks at me and says " I Love You Nana" I said " Well you didn't a few minutes ago so I'm glad you changed your mind" He said " I always love you Nana"

The evening was like dealing with two different kids!! He is now happily asleep and that is where I'm going next. Just wish I could get into his head. The way we know he is really sick or had a really bad day is if he actually cries real tears so something had him upset but he is not gonna talk so I am not gonna know what it is. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk so I just let it go and told him if something was wrong he knew he could tell Nana anything and I would try to help him. I Love You Goose!!!!

I am having one of those weeks where I am just mad at the world and everyone in it. It seems like every time I turn around it is someone wanting something or something needs to be done and then Goose gets sick. I am exhausted. I am unemployed and cant get any help since Goose is not my child (even though he lives with me). Then you have Child Support now that is just a joke all on it's on. His parents will do nothing except live there lives they don't even come see him, call him or shit!!!! Then you add the other grandmother who has decided that she does not want to be a Nana so she has left him also. He realizes all of this and I know because he ask about them and I have to come up with a good answer to keep from hurting him even more. I try to pray for them all but it is really hard sometimes. I just want to tell them all what I think of them and get it off my chest. He loves my fiancee to death but he is in and out since he lives in another state (which helps in no way with routine). I go to bed at night and I pray but I'm thinking now that God is mad at me for some reason since nothing ever seems to get better or change. Prayer has gotten me through so much in my life and now it is like my prayers are just being ignored. It seems that the people who are mean, uncaring, thoughtless and hurtful people are the ones that seem to have it all. Just don't understand. Then I look at Goose and ask myself "What do I have to offer him?" My only answer is love cause that is all I have. I love him with all my heart and soul. We as parents and grandparents would do anything for our kids but you also like to do the things that are just fun not necessary. I can barely do the necessary much less the fun while all the other so called family members are living there lives and enjoying there lives. I know if anyone reads this you are gonna think geeezzzz what a mean lady but I'm not mean I'm just tired. I never really get a break and I need one. When he is at school I always have something to go do because you cant do these things with him unless you want a fight. On a day I have nothing to do I'm so depressed all I want to do is sleep so I don't think. 

I do want to thank my youngest daughter and my fiancee and son in law for all they do. They are about the only ones I can depend on. My daughter and son in law will help if I ask them to and my fiancee does so much for Goose and I both he is amazing and I love him dearly. 

I wanted to go back to school but register for the class and then didn't have the money to take it so that ended that. I have got to find something to do or I'm gonna go crazy. I mean something to do for me not for everyone else. I guess I just need some me time.